Government submits to God, who wants to leave us alone

God at his computer.

This story is, of course, fictional.  If you see this headline in the newspaper tomorrow morning, you will need to pinch yourself–and if that does not wake you–realize that you have in fact died and gone to heaven.  As I imagine it, there are no tax collectors in heaven.  Upon entry into heaven, I could pick up the Times and read the following:

Today God announced major cutbacks in everything government. 

God called for an immediate end to all hostilities in Iraq, and condemned George W. Bush for lying to His people and killing His children without just cause.  “You’ll burn in hell for this,” God ordained matter-of-factly, in an unusually calm damning ceremony.  Taking questions after the announcement, God explained the departure from the usual thunderbolt display.  “Our traditional ceremony was a little over the top, and we’re trying to cut expenditures in these ceremonies anyway.  After the Falwell incident, I don’t really trust the lightning machine anymore–he wasn’t supposed to burn until he actually got to Hell.  I am not one to deprive Lucifer of his fun, but I am told he has still had plenty of it with Falwell.”  He then belted maniacal laughter for over three minutes.

God’s announcement expectedly drew some disfavor from President Bush, who backwardly believed he was doing God’s work.  “But God–” he started to say, but The All-Knowing knew what was coming and responded before Bush could finish.  “I do my own work, thank you,” God thundered.  “Love thy neighbor.  It’s simple, really.  Why couldn’t you just do it?  Jesus!”

The military will be mostly dissolved by mid-year, much to the dismay of the military industry.  Sources tell us that one CEO was particularly opposed to God’s will.  God quieted his argument, saying, “I never intended for you people to go around killing one another because of your petty arguments about me.  I’m going to let you keep fire and subsequent technological advancements.  Don’t push your luck with this fighting fetish you’ve developed.”

God called for the immediate dissolution of the CIA, FBI, the Department of Homeland Security, and all government secrecy.  He said His “reasoning here is simple: if people really want to be free, information must be free to them.  Besides, there is no reason for a good government to have secrets.  Good governments do not need protection, because people find no fault in them worth attacking.  If anything is going to be mysterious in this world, it’s going to be Me.”

No more personal taxes or tax identification numbers.  God seemed particularly frustrated by these human measures.  “I don’t know what nation is before me now, when I look at these income taxes,” God offered.  “Soviet Russia? Nazi Germany? Oceania?  Certainly not one nation, under Me, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.  There’s no liberty in assigning everyone a number and staking claim to their labor–it’s as if you’ve modeled your society after Hell.”

God ended drug laws as well, and allowed all non-violent drug offenders to leave prison.  He called for a cutback of over 85% of the nation’s local police forces.  “You’ve got a lot of nerve,” He reprimanded Congress.  “Do you think I put cannabis on this planet so that you could spend your days trying to destroy it?  It’s not going away.  I put it here for your enjoyment.  Don’t tell people what they are allowed to do with what I put here.  I ought to damn you all to Hell for this!  As I look around, you’re all headed there anyway–oh, except for you, Dr. Paul of Texas: the Lot of Washington D.C.  What’s that, Ron?  Alright, you can bring Duncan along too.  No, Kucinich burns with the rest of them!  Alright, you may rescue Barney Frank from damnation as well, as we cannot fault the mentally handicapped.”

In perhaps related news, the Federal Reserve Board has disappeared.  No one can find any of them anywhere.  God did not explain where they went, but did say they will not be back.  “Gold and silver will always back the currency, to protect My people’s savings from confiscation.  The market, which I created, will determine rates of interest.”

To cap off His day of governing, God smote Mike Huckabee.  “Huckabee is a false idol,” decreed God, “almost as bad as the pope.”  The Almighty went on to relate Huckabee to the ancient Golden Calf, and his followers to ancient pagans because of their lack of respect for what God called “civic virtue.”

Fear is Tyranny was able to catch up with God during an evening prayer session.  We asked Him if He was done with governing for awhile.  “Absolutely not,” He said, “this is just the first day.  I’ve got five more to go before I rest.  My motivation here is very basic and has never changed: I gave people the capacity to think so that they might use it to guide themselves, and I am simply taking steps to encourage individual thought.”  Pray for similar results tomorrow.


The “Blame-Iraq-First” Crowd


Almost everyone agrees that Al-Qaeda was directly responsible for the attacks on September 11, 2001. However, in the months and years following that day, it became apparent that the situation was not limited to Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden. A tragedy of such large scale, the people reasoned, had to be the result of something bigger than a simple network of a few hundred Muslims who hated the United States.

A blame game of epic proportion ensued, and two arguments unfolded: one placed the blame on Islamic fundamentalism as the reason the United States was attacked; another placed the blame on political grievances that Middle Eastern people had against the United States. The former evolved into an American argument for war against Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, and probably others yet to come; the latter, a political persuasion to change U.S. foreign policy and demobilize troops around the world.

The talking heads of the former persuasion call the latter the “Blame America First” crowd, and by common logic, would refer to themselves as the “Blame Iraq First” crowd, because both sides actually blamed the Taliban and Al-Qaeda first, and their respective culprits second. Those leaders could correctly replace “First” with “Second” in their titles, but, perhaps for dramatic effect, or to avoid a proper debate, have chosen not to do so.  I will not follow in their path of contrived irrationality.  With respect to the responsibility of 9/11, I am a member of the “Blame-America-Second” coalition, and I strongly disagree with the “Blame Iraq Second” crowd, mainly because only two parties were involved in the incident: Al-Qaeda and America.  The God-given nature of human reason does not allow me to blame a party that was completely remote from the event. 

The “Blame Iraq Second” crowd shares the sentiment of the emotionally irrational, abusive father, who beats his child because of an argument with his colleague; the innocence is irrelevant to the emotional rage.  My intent, as a writer, is to reveal that the “Blame-America-Second” crowd is actually talking sense, and has for its focus, the interest of humankind.  The “Blame-Iraq-Second” argument cannot withstand the test of human reason, so to believe their argument, is to reject that which is in your God-given nature, and seems an abomination to the Almighty.  To favor those who wage war while in an emotional state, without just cause, while living in relative comfort, is opposite of divine, and I need not remind the faithful of what God’s antonym is.

Huckabee, Schmuckabee

null“The handcuffs are on government not people…the government’s position is hands off in either preferring one religion to another or prohibiting one.” – Mike Huckabee

It would be nice if Huckabee practiced what he preached. This statement directly opposes a marriage amendment. How does banning gay marriage in the U.S. enhance freedom or limit government? It doesn’t.  Let’s call the marriage amendment what it is: a meaningless political tool, designed to amass political support without discussing any consequential political issues.  Huckabee engages in doublespeak. I recommend basing your political decisions on political issues, not religious impositions.

Huckabee also lied when he said he was the only Republican who predicted a recession during the Michigan debate. He actually stole that argument from Ron Paul, who had been saying so for months. Paul actually predicted the sub-prime mortgage crisis in 2002. It is nice to see Huckabee listening to the only visionary statesman in Washington. Unfortunately, Huckabee won’t acknowledge his sources, deliberately ignores truth, perverts his religion, and selfishly encourages his followers to abandon everything God-given within themselves, so that they may engage in idolatry.

Mike Huckabee hath lied and contradicted himself on economic and social issues numerous times without explanation, and ye self-described Christians still believe his every word, as though there is mystical truth in His contradiction.  “Here is idolatry even without a mask: and he who can calmly hear, and digest such doctrine, hath forfeited his claim to rationality–an apostate from the order of manhood; and ought to be considered–as one, who hath, not only given up the proper dignity of a man, but sunk himself beneath the rank of animals, and contemptibly crawl through the world like a worm.” – Thomas Paine

At best, Huckabee’s supporters are Christians in the way that the Taliban’s supporters are Muslim, and if times were desperate, their “Biblical” ideals would become as frightening as the Taliban’s, if not more so.