This story is, of course, fictional. If you see this headline in the newspaper tomorrow morning, you will need to pinch yourself–and if that does not wake you–realize that you have in fact died and gone to heaven. As I imagine it, there are no tax collectors in heaven. Upon entry into heaven, I could pick up the Times and read the following:
Today God announced major cutbacks in everything government.
God called for an immediate end to all hostilities in Iraq, and condemned George W. Bush for lying to His people and killing His children without just cause. “You’ll burn in hell for this,” God ordained matter-of-factly, in an unusually calm damning ceremony. Taking questions after the announcement, God explained the departure from the usual thunderbolt display. “Our traditional ceremony was a little over the top, and we’re trying to cut expenditures in these ceremonies anyway. After the Falwell incident, I don’t really trust the lightning machine anymore–he wasn’t supposed to burn until he actually got to Hell. I am not one to deprive Lucifer of his fun, but I am told he has still had plenty of it with Falwell.” He then belted maniacal laughter for over three minutes.
God’s announcement expectedly drew some disfavor from President Bush, who backwardly believed he was doing God’s work. “But God–” he started to say, but The All-Knowing knew what was coming and responded before Bush could finish. “I do my own work, thank you,” God thundered. “Love thy neighbor. It’s simple, really. Why couldn’t you just do it? Jesus!”
The military will be mostly dissolved by mid-year, much to the dismay of the military industry. Sources tell us that one CEO was particularly opposed to God’s will. God quieted his argument, saying, “I never intended for you people to go around killing one another because of your petty arguments about me. I’m going to let you keep fire and subsequent technological advancements. Don’t push your luck with this fighting fetish you’ve developed.”
God called for the immediate dissolution of the CIA, FBI, the Department of Homeland Security, and all government secrecy. He said His “reasoning here is simple: if people really want to be free, information must be free to them. Besides, there is no reason for a good government to have secrets. Good governments do not need protection, because people find no fault in them worth attacking. If anything is going to be mysterious in this world, it’s going to be Me.”
No more personal taxes or tax identification numbers. God seemed particularly frustrated by these human measures. “I don’t know what nation is before me now, when I look at these income taxes,” God offered. “Soviet Russia? Nazi Germany? Oceania? Certainly not one nation, under Me, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. There’s no liberty in assigning everyone a number and staking claim to their labor–it’s as if you’ve modeled your society after Hell.”
God ended drug laws as well, and allowed all non-violent drug offenders to leave prison. He called for a cutback of over 85% of the nation’s local police forces. “You’ve got a lot of nerve,” He reprimanded Congress. “Do you think I put cannabis on this planet so that you could spend your days trying to destroy it? It’s not going away. I put it here for your enjoyment. Don’t tell people what they are allowed to do with what I put here. I ought to damn you all to Hell for this! As I look around, you’re all headed there anyway–oh, except for you, Dr. Paul of Texas: the Lot of Washington D.C. What’s that, Ron? Alright, you can bring Duncan along too. No, Kucinich burns with the rest of them! Alright, you may rescue Barney Frank from damnation as well, as we cannot fault the mentally handicapped.”
In perhaps related news, the Federal Reserve Board has disappeared. No one can find any of them anywhere. God did not explain where they went, but did say they will not be back. “Gold and silver will always back the currency, to protect My people’s savings from confiscation. The market, which I created, will determine rates of interest.”
To cap off His day of governing, God smote Mike Huckabee. “Huckabee is a false idol,” decreed God, “almost as bad as the pope.” The Almighty went on to relate Huckabee to the ancient Golden Calf, and his followers to ancient pagans because of their lack of respect for what God called “civic virtue.”
Fear is Tyranny was able to catch up with God during an evening prayer session. We asked Him if He was done with governing for awhile. “Absolutely not,” He said, “this is just the first day. I’ve got five more to go before I rest. My motivation here is very basic and has never changed: I gave people the capacity to think so that they might use it to guide themselves, and I am simply taking steps to encourage individual thought.” Pray for similar results tomorrow.
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