Government submits to God, who wants to leave us alone

God at his computer.

This story is, of course, fictional.  If you see this headline in the newspaper tomorrow morning, you will need to pinch yourself–and if that does not wake you–realize that you have in fact died and gone to heaven.  As I imagine it, there are no tax collectors in heaven.  Upon entry into heaven, I could pick up the Times and read the following:

Today God announced major cutbacks in everything government. 

God called for an immediate end to all hostilities in Iraq, and condemned George W. Bush for lying to His people and killing His children without just cause.  “You’ll burn in hell for this,” God ordained matter-of-factly, in an unusually calm damning ceremony.  Taking questions after the announcement, God explained the departure from the usual thunderbolt display.  “Our traditional ceremony was a little over the top, and we’re trying to cut expenditures in these ceremonies anyway.  After the Falwell incident, I don’t really trust the lightning machine anymore–he wasn’t supposed to burn until he actually got to Hell.  I am not one to deprive Lucifer of his fun, but I am told he has still had plenty of it with Falwell.”  He then belted maniacal laughter for over three minutes.

God’s announcement expectedly drew some disfavor from President Bush, who backwardly believed he was doing God’s work.  “But God–” he started to say, but The All-Knowing knew what was coming and responded before Bush could finish.  “I do my own work, thank you,” God thundered.  “Love thy neighbor.  It’s simple, really.  Why couldn’t you just do it?  Jesus!”

The military will be mostly dissolved by mid-year, much to the dismay of the military industry.  Sources tell us that one CEO was particularly opposed to God’s will.  God quieted his argument, saying, “I never intended for you people to go around killing one another because of your petty arguments about me.  I’m going to let you keep fire and subsequent technological advancements.  Don’t push your luck with this fighting fetish you’ve developed.”

God called for the immediate dissolution of the CIA, FBI, the Department of Homeland Security, and all government secrecy.  He said His “reasoning here is simple: if people really want to be free, information must be free to them.  Besides, there is no reason for a good government to have secrets.  Good governments do not need protection, because people find no fault in them worth attacking.  If anything is going to be mysterious in this world, it’s going to be Me.”

No more personal taxes or tax identification numbers.  God seemed particularly frustrated by these human measures.  “I don’t know what nation is before me now, when I look at these income taxes,” God offered.  “Soviet Russia? Nazi Germany? Oceania?  Certainly not one nation, under Me, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.  There’s no liberty in assigning everyone a number and staking claim to their labor–it’s as if you’ve modeled your society after Hell.”

God ended drug laws as well, and allowed all non-violent drug offenders to leave prison.  He called for a cutback of over 85% of the nation’s local police forces.  “You’ve got a lot of nerve,” He reprimanded Congress.  “Do you think I put cannabis on this planet so that you could spend your days trying to destroy it?  It’s not going away.  I put it here for your enjoyment.  Don’t tell people what they are allowed to do with what I put here.  I ought to damn you all to Hell for this!  As I look around, you’re all headed there anyway–oh, except for you, Dr. Paul of Texas: the Lot of Washington D.C.  What’s that, Ron?  Alright, you can bring Duncan along too.  No, Kucinich burns with the rest of them!  Alright, you may rescue Barney Frank from damnation as well, as we cannot fault the mentally handicapped.”

In perhaps related news, the Federal Reserve Board has disappeared.  No one can find any of them anywhere.  God did not explain where they went, but did say they will not be back.  “Gold and silver will always back the currency, to protect My people’s savings from confiscation.  The market, which I created, will determine rates of interest.”

To cap off His day of governing, God smote Mike Huckabee.  “Huckabee is a false idol,” decreed God, “almost as bad as the pope.”  The Almighty went on to relate Huckabee to the ancient Golden Calf, and his followers to ancient pagans because of their lack of respect for what God called “civic virtue.”

Fear is Tyranny was able to catch up with God during an evening prayer session.  We asked Him if He was done with governing for awhile.  “Absolutely not,” He said, “this is just the first day.  I’ve got five more to go before I rest.  My motivation here is very basic and has never changed: I gave people the capacity to think so that they might use it to guide themselves, and I am simply taking steps to encourage individual thought.”  Pray for similar results tomorrow.

Republican Nationalism + Democrat Socialism = U.S. Nazism

National Socialism, better known as Nazism, is Clintobamonomics  combined with Bush-McCain Diplomacy and Secrecy.  When the Democrats and the Republicans do agree to terms, they usually both get what they want.  Democrats get more social planning boards and funds, and Republicans get more spy-on-the-citizens powers and nifty 007 gadgets (which will be sold to overseas dictators as well).  The two parties are hardly distinguishable at this juncture.  American Nazism is nearly upon us.  We are one terrorist attack, or one economic collapse away from martial law.  And we might bomb Iran because they are “proof that evil exists.”  I can’t even intelligently criticize such filth.

Dear Bush,

We have a saying in Tennessee.  It’s “fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.”  I think there’s one in Texas too, but it’s said very uncertainly, and doesn’t make as much sense.  Will the American people (or their Congress) be fooled twice?  I am not sure the Americans are that stupid, but clearly you think they are.

Sincerely, me.  P.S.: you can fly.  Jump out the window.  Trust me, it’s true.

To HELL with the REPUBLICRATS. Have faith in the Free Revolution Party!

 Republicans put faith in the George W. Bush security system, to which we are told we owe our livelihoods, and which has brought with it a knack for creating terrorists much faster than Osama Bin Laden ever could.  Democrats put faith in the welfare state, believing that ever-increasing transfer payments will end poverty in the United States, when they in fact have the opposite effect, and moreover cannot be implemented without coercive tactics hostile to liberty.  Who can Americans trust now?  Will we have faith in OBAMA or MCCAIN?  CLINTON or BUSH?  KARL MARX, BENITO MUSSOLINI, or–dare I say–ADOLF HITLER?  Faith in socialism?  Faith in authoritarianism?  Faith in statism?  Faith in fascism?  Faith in the Department of Homeland Security? Faith in marshal law?  Faith in tribunals and secret prisons?  Faith in pharmaceutical companies?  Faith in media conglomerates?  Faith in the god-forsaken banks?  Faith in the tired policies that–even when their aims seem good–resolve eventually to make our lives ever-more riven with fear, submission, and misery?  Who the HELL are We the People, and what in God’s name has happened to our country?

What happened to the America that had faith in the American people?  That America which required its citizens to act–not out of fear, submission, charity, or despair–but out of their own best interest?  Where are you now, our beloved country?  ‘Tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, we sing, but after much searching, we cannot find you. 

The dissenting votes in Washington are disappearing.  Democrats and Republicans squabble with each other, but at the end of the day, they compromise under the pretenses of security and social welfare, and both parties get their ways at the expense of liberty.  Both have become socialistic and monopolistic, and merely try to deflect public funds in slightly different directions, and deflect the minds of America as well.  Democrats and Republicans should be considered as one–they are the Republicrats, and they are the enemy of everything good naturally provided to America. 

By nature, by divine will, we were given freedom.  We were given the chance at something improbable, a fresh slate of freedom, with free markets, liberty and justice, and thousands of miles of oceans between ourselves and our enemies, and we even made it more free in certain ways, but now the REPUBLICRATS are taking it all away, under the guidance of their corporate candidacy-makers.

The corporate interests support both political parties, and get paid regardless of which party is in control.  The traditional political battleground setting Democrat against Republican, has become a smoke screen for advancing socialistic corporatism.  There is a symbiotic relationship between the Republicrats and corporations that is too glaring not to be seen, too absurd not to be laughed at, too powerful not to be feared, and such as could only have been made by those, whose understandings were darkened by the narrow and crabby spirit of a despairing political party.  The Republicrats, funded heavily by corporate interests, carry on petty battles of lip-service to their constituents, while always increasing the average American’s reliance on government, and the ever-growing federal budget is dedicated to the profits of interested corporations, whose lobbyists actually write and carry out the legislation. 

The difference between the citizens and the corporations, with respect to government, is that citizens blame government, believing it to be something, but the corporations laugh at government, knowing it to be nothing at all.  The United States has a two-party system made up of Democrats and Republicans who, though they are opposed, are still united to keep up the common corporatist mystery.  The Democrat despises the Republican, and visa versa, and each prescribes predictable remedies for the symptoms of America’s illnesses, but they are mad scientists.  They prolong the disease to test their increasingly damaging medications until our system fails, and though the REPUBLICRATS are well-aware of it, neither dares to even mention the cure, which the American deserves.  America will no longer be denied the simple cure to this illness.  Give us liberty.  Give us the Constitution.  Give us the old way of free enterprise, free markets, freedom to succeed, freedom to fail, freedom to learn, freedom to save, freedom to spend, freedom to give, freedom to grow, freedom to pray, and freedom to sell our labor, goods, or services at a marketable price, without forfeiting nearly half of our earnings to be spent spreading murder, hatred, misery, submission, and despair here and around the globe.

 The Constitution, the REPUBLICRATS claim, is antiquated.  Americans focus not on whether a thing is old or new, but whether it is right or wrong, and Americans are sure of one thing: the REPUBLICRATS must go!

I am going to start a new political party, the Free Revolution Party (FR), in Tennessee.  The Free Revolution is America.  We stand for individualism, freedom and reason, we support the Constitution and free markets, we are non-interventionists, and we propose a Constitutional Amendment to divorce corporation and government, because the all-too-happy couple has made children of American citizens, and abused children at that.  For more information, leave a comment, and I will add you to the email update list for the new Free Revolution Party.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.